Sunday, November 15, 2009


The question is how to preserve the devotion and faithfulness of a relationship without giving in to neediness and attachment. What is required is a state called nonattachment. The word sounds like a synonym for detachment, implying indifference, but nonattachment is actually a state of freedom that preserves and even increases your love for another. Detachment is achieved by not caring, nonattachment is achieved by allowing, which shows tremendous care. Therefore, the insights that apply to nonattachment carry us deeper into the spiritual importance of letting go.

I read this in some book. I read it like 5 times. I still don’t get how the right way to be in a relationship is to be in a state of 'nonattachment'. Maybe, there’s something important I’m missing out here.
What do you guys think?
Attachment? Detachment? Nonattachment?

From what I see, I can say that I can’t help getting attached.
And it’s just not fun.


Darshan Chande said...

The thing is that, as I have explained to you briefly before, the (life-long) relationship itself is a non-viable thing. There is no possibility of a relationship without attachment and/or neediness. And with those things there's no possibility of painlessness in a relationship.

That's the reason real wisdom-carrying saints don't attach themselves with people. The entire "matrix" of relationship is called "maya" in philosophical terminology. Bliss is only when you are strong enough to renounce this matrix - and attain the level where you dwell at zero-level of expectations.

Hope that was not too complicated... Only one advice for you, Organe: Live what is TODAY. If tomorrow shows something unpleasant then just don't be too shocked or surprised. Because it's a part and parcel of the way humans have chosen to live.

buckingfastard said...

ohh yea...dats my domain!!

in my relationship...we started wid attachment...and it was too hard to maintain...after da inital fun part was over..

den after a year we got into was gr8 fr 2 yrs...but only thing is aftr 2 yrs we were sooo non attached..dat we decided to detach...

nonattachment is a holiday wich u can take..but not a permanent solution....

if attachment is takin toll on u..den maybe he is jst nt da right guy... :(

Yemiledu said...

hmm...I am equally confused :~(

PNA said...

It's definitely not detachment for sure b/c it breaks every relationship.

Attachment in very important. But often we notice that in any attached relationship, gradually, the ppl in it tend to invade into unwanted spaces which gives rise to possessiveness n the like. This I think creates a constraint n some irritaion in all concerned.

Non attachment I think is a state of attachment where the above mentioned does not occur, but we are humans, so difficult, unless meditate atop snow in Himalayas!!

Food for thought!

Good morning Pebbles

As the Mind Meanders said...


I am a little daft... and to my daft mind this seems to be saying "give each other space" by using some complex verbiage.

Now if we could really step back and look at a relationship pracically and from the outside to make decisions we wouldnt really be "in" a relationship would we...

My opinion for whatever it is worth - I cant really look at a relationship objectively all the time. It needs spontaneity coupled with some practicality and spiced with impulse and emotion. This brew works sometimes and mostly doesn't. When it does work - I know I am doing something right.

oRange* said...

@Darshan: yes, if u'r attached to someone ..there's bound to be pain. i wonder how people reach that 'zero-level expectation' thing. we're humans, cmon!
right, i am kinda prepared :|

@buckingfastard: LOL, that was funny haa! no, nonattachment is a permanent solution but there's a way to get there. its difficult and not everyone can reach that level.

@Yemiledu: join the league!

@PNA: no i dont think attachment should be connected with invading each other's spaces. when the latter occurs, things do get irritating but attachment is a whole new different thing. u can be attached and not get possessive, thats what i feel.
meditating on the Himalayas is the last thing i want to do now

@As The Mind Meanders: hmm, the last para made a lot of sense. And mister! why is it that i dont have access to your blog?

Uncommon Sense said...

ppl write crap, u dont have to take those crap seriously,, being in a relationship is about attachment.. the only way to stay away from attachment is to stay away from relationships..

(¯`•._.•[Raaji]•._.•´¯) said...

there is a sense of dependence and "attachment" comes with every relationship. Its inevitable. You can never be happy if you are not depended on the other at one point or another... if someone cant deal with your needs, then know that this relationship is wrong for you... not that the "attachment" is wrong :-)

stardust said...

Hey all I can tell you is that one must be attached in one's relationship because, I believe.. whatever you give you will receive..

Remember that relationships are based on the reciprocation of emotions...

So instead of detachment we can always give each other ample spaces, without getting attached with the space...

Hope you got your answer... :)))

Anonymous said...

Respected Madam Ji

Attachment ~ The act of attaching or the condition of being attached. Something, such as a tie, band, or fastener, that attaches one thing to another.A bond, as of affection or loyalty; fond regard.

Detachment ~ The act or process of disconnecting or detaching; separation... An Absence of prejudice or bias...
Freedom from self-interest...the act of disengaging.

Non-Attachment ~ The desire to alleviate another's suffering without being attached to either the recipient or the outcome.

The Crystal Heart said...

Orange Attachment, which arises out of a secure base, provides the starting point for the capacity for healthy protest and therefore detachment is the basis of autonomy; from non-attachment comes the capacity to reflect on oneself and so to disidentify with painful or traumatic Experience....

Ashley said...

Hmm....An Opportunity to rant!

Where did you read this Orange? If I remember correctly Non-attachment is covered
under Buddhism. But there, it is used with a much wider perspective. Not just with relationships in mind. And then it makes sense. Difficult to practice offcourse....But nevertheless it makes sense.

But if it abt just how to be in a relationship…I feel one should be attached....At some level ....Neediness and attachment do not go hand in hand....And off course it helps and holds in the long run, only if the attachment comes with honesty, humour, willingness to change, tolerance and understanding.
And all the people involved should feel the same way too! If not...Just bring in the Detachment and move away! :D

agent green glass said...

oh. you jus opened pandoras box. so i read a lot about detachment n my yoga class. and somehow i find it freaking hard to practise.
so here's the verdict: detachment is great to read. attachment brings pain...but dude, its waaaay more fun than detachment.

Americanising Desi said...

you have exploded some serious chaos in my head!
really this is one Q i will have to think an answer to!

PaPiLLon said...

heya..where did u read that yaa?? hmmm...its really worth thinkin...but i think da concept of attachment and detachment is pretty understandable.

attachment refers to the need u feel for sum1. now da reason may totally defer..u might really like da person, love da person or ur just plain used to him or her..

detachment is a stage where u are not involved with da person on any stage..again da reasons maybe dislike or hatred or just two people going​ farther away from each other with time..

non-attachment gets tricky...m not sure ive got it right..but i think its a stage in any relationship when u can live happily knowing the fact that there no strings attached, no expectations and ur in this relationship because u purely enjoy each others company. but like we all noe..we arent saints..and reaching that level must definitely require understanding from bot sides at all levels...mostly highly unlikely...

so i guess..i have maybe a basic idea as to what it mite be..but no clue as to how reach there.. u got a nice blog out here btw..some topics really worth giving a thought to..


oRange* said...

@Uncommon Sense: even i feel the same.

@Raaji: glad to hear that!

@stardust: ya, even i dont know how one can give his/her 100% to the relationship without getting attached!

@Anonymous: hmm, non-attachment sounded so negative and so not right.

@Crystal Heart: yes, rightly said.

@Ashley: yeah its great if its both sided and when one is attached and the other in a state of non-attachment sucks real bad.
Bringing detachment in takes time baby ;)

@agent green glass: honestly, detachment is not even great to READ! lol

@AD: :)

@Papillon: i feel non-attachment has a selfish reason to it. to avoid yourself from experiencing pain u get into that state.
thanks ya :)

PaPiLLon said...

hmmm..i dint really get what you meant by that..

i mean whereva u read that sounded very much like non-attachment was the best way to if there is a selfish motive behind it then it really classifies into detachment right..

ive been in relationship where i dint want 2 be attached 2 the person because i thought i would get hurt..and i really dont think that was what this person says is dint even feel remotely close 2 the best way to was more od detachment..i dunno maybe i got it wrong..but thats what i feel...

cheers! :)

Urvashi said...

hiiee..Loved this thought n i belive its true...Non attachment just refers to the space that u must b willing to gv each other n be in a state of non expectations..thats when you can actaully give ur relationship a meaning n fredom 4 both urself n ur partner..

if attachment is wat u r into...somewhere down the line, things r bound to chng.....

Nice blog..been here the first time...Keep writing.. :)

oRange* said...

@Papillon: i dont know myself, im still on the road to discovery :)
i was just thinking if there's another way to it. yes, its like this very hard to attain (if not unattainable) state everyone would love to attain.

@Urvashi: thanks urvashi! keep visiting!

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