Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Just one look enough ..to ruin my day!

WARNING: A lengthy post ahead. Not funny.

Lovely weather. Got up early for a change. Finished everything on time.. smoothly. Reached the bus stop. Got a good seat. I was on my way to meet a friend. Travelling by the BRTS bus is always a pleasure..

Very happy with the way the day started, I plugged in my iPod and looked out of the bus window. Just then, I received a message and while I was replying, I looked up and *THUD* ..I saw him. I didn’t believe what I saw ..rather I didn’t WANT to believe what I saw. Am I hallucinating? Or is he really in the same bus as mine! Oh fuck. He is and I want to jump out!! Dammit.

There he was in that blue t-shirt of his, my ‘darling' ex. His hairstyle had changed. He was looking so different. So wicked (or was it just me?!). I saw him after a full gap of 6 months. I quickly looked away. I don’t even know if he saw me, for all I care! I saw him and I hated it. The bus started. I did want to turn behind and see where he was but I didn’t. I’ve done too many silly things as far as he is concerned...so yeah.

The music was playing in my ears but I didn’t get a WORD. My thoughts went places. I suddenly felt very ‘small’. There was a time when I increased the volume to the fullest possible just so that my thoughts get obstructed but it was no use. I kept getting that horrible feeling. Sharing the same space with him became so difficult. I just wanted to dig myself way below the ground. Like way below. I hate being reminded of his existence. Suddenly, I started coughing frantically. It just wouldn’t stop. Oh, bloody hell! Not now! And then the funniest thing happened.. I had tears rolling down my cheeks. Is it because of the coughing or Am I actually crying? Oh shit! To make matters worse, the aunty beside me just HAD to stare! Leave me alone!

I love the way my life is right now but even the look of him is enough to spoil my day. Yes, we ended on a very ugly note. After grade 12, I wanted to to leave Bombay. One of the major reasons was so that I don’t see him anymore. Sadly, that didn’t happen. I’m here and so is he.

I’m still trying to figure out why I feel this way whenever he’s around. Why can’t I look at him in the eye! Why do I avoid him! Why do I still give a shit to his presence! I never loved him. I was just plain used to him. Some weird kind of attachment for no reason..Which I don’t think ill ever have with anyone else.
I feel, the way our relationship ended was very incomplete. I have a lot left to say but he doesn’t care anymore. He doesn’t give a rat’s ass. He has moved on very well. Even I have but such small instances disturb me. I suck.

I know I’m giving him the power to hurt me. But trust me, I can’t help it. The feeling’s still there and I guess ill just wait for it to disappear. As usual..

He’s still special. And god, he looked so cute.

P.S: Whenever I think a lot about him, he just appears. It happened this time too. Weird.

33 comments:

Americanising Desi said...

i wish my sweetheart could appear too !!! but i guess it just has to wait! since we have to go through the whole procedure of gettin to know :)
p.s. lovely post and not lengthy at all!

Darshan Chande said...

The last He’s still special. And god, he looked so cute. makes me want to frown. Either you lied all through the post until that line... Or you are a girl out of senses who takes great pleasures in hurting herself!

See, Orange, when are you out of all problems?

oRange* said...

lovely :S
i thought it was rather depressing!
thanks anyway!

oRange* said...

Darshan, thats the thing! thats what im confused about. i mean, i dont like him but its just mixture of feelings.
and yes he did look cute. so? that doesnt change anything ..
no, im never out of problems!

As the Mind Meanders said...

Life just ain't fair is it? It lets time heal and then just when you think you have recovered, its sends those ghosts of the past back to haunt you... again...

Happens to the best of us...

But dont worry honey... indifference will arrive... soon...

Until then... I do hope you get to wear your smile more often than your frown...

Show us some teeth now :-D

oRange* said...

awh, that was sweet :)
im fine. thanks to a few people ..im pretty okay!
here ..:D :D :D
hehe

The Crystal Heart said...

Hey Orange...Donot Worry One Day He Would Also Realised...Break up With You..That Was His Best Mistakes..He Has Lost World Best Girl Forever.....He Always Feel Regrets About His Past Mistakes..And Always Blamed OwnSelf Why the Hell I Had Played Emotional Games With You.....And Feel Shame After Remember Each N Every Unforgiving Sins......And He Will Always Waiting For Your Mercy Crazily.....And No One Fullfill Your Place..Now Show Me Your Smileeeee :-) Taaaadda

agent green glass said...

hey orange. okay, first this does not get better. no, not the way you feel. that'll get better. but this whole heart break shit, and the way people continue to affect you. believe me, take it from someone older.

yeah, the heart is there to screw up the mind. so the best way to deal with it, is to treat like a ride. max the moment. enjoy the agony (i know it sounds a bit weird, but it is possible), and then slowly when it all fades, you'll have a good story to tell.

like you did now : ) btw i love your blog orange!

oRange* said...

@The Crystal Heart: :)

@agent green glass: yeah, im trying and ill make it work for sure!
thank you so much! really sweet of u! i love urs too :)

Anonymous said...

Bin!”>

Anonymous said...

Bin!”>

Anonymous said...

Orange If You Always peep inside, into Your hearts and minds, You Will find many painful memories. Memories, which well up emotions of pain, fear, regret ... every time You visit them. And You visit them often! Why do You have this strong desire to cling to those unwanted feelings and memories, those memories which serve no use in the present?

Look inside, do you find any hurtful memory which lies cluttered in your mind corner, charged with negative emotions of fear, revenge, guilt, suppression and so much more, making you heavy with its unclean emotional baggage.
In Your external world, You declutter the unwanted junk why shouldn’t You clear those traumatic memories that lay heaped in the corner of Your inner houses and make fresh spaces for better feelings.

Anonymous said...

Orange You should cling to things which are precious and useful. But is this clutter of age-old painful memories precious and or does it serve any purpose? The only thing it does is, it prevents you to live a happy life. It creates blocks. It makes you distrustful and apprehensive about yourselves and people around you. Like a shards of broken glass, it cuts and wounds you, every time you walk on them. If something is not serving any purpose, it should not be there.

“Preserving pains means Reserving Pains.”

It is good to learn from one’s past, but it is important to learn and move forward. You can’t be looking forward and backward at the same time. To drive successfully on the highway of life, you need to focus forward into the windshield of your car. And, peeping into the rare-view mirror only for a few references to ensure safety. But you can’t reverse the order. If you do that, you risk crashing and bumping.
To zero it down in a nutshell, it is time to “Empty your Recycling Bin!”

soin said...

good looking,nasty..girls always go for that combination and crib about it.. and what a contradiction..but i guess its always like that..free

oRange* said...

@Anonymous: yes, thats something i hate about myself ..like i let someone else have a control over my moods. and u'r right about leaving the past behind. i dont cry about this whole thing everyday coz im happy it happened but when i see him ..i just get reminded of certain things and thats not right. so yeah, thanks!

@soin: well, firstly im not cribbing about whatever happened ..im glad he happened coz i changed a lot after that. secondly, 'good looking, nasty guys' ..as far as i've seen are very short-lived ..so yeah ..u fall once and then u realize :)
but i wouldnt want to generalise it ..i have come across some good looking, nasty guys who did turn out to be great partners! thanks for dropping by!

Rishi said...

forgetting is difficult... this is from a guy whose has had 19 (and soon 20th) failed ones...

it's hard.. it's just been six months.. give ur self time... as one my ex said "I'll always remember you till i find someone cuter"

next time... give him a smile and invite him to sit next to you.. only to get up as soon as he sits... REVENGE BABY!! it's sweet, it's fun and when ur in revenge mode at least you won't be busy worrying urself to the limit.

oRange* said...

haha, i just imagined doing that ..what fun :P
taking revenge never works though. deep down u'r not happy ..

Sid 'Ravan' Kabe said...

Ok first off...this isn't a lengthy post...it is smallest of one, I have read till date.

and second of all, yeah this is damm funny...c'mon... you are making a complete fool of yourself for a person who does not even care.

I got a solution for that..

Go get a can of garbage (walk down the road you will find many, its aamchi mumbai) hire a janitor (give them 50 bucks and they do anything for you) then... with a precision of .000001 mm, make sure the garbage falls down on him. In the middle of the streets, its mumbai, pretty sure it will be on national television within the next few nano seconds. Go on, record it and wuu pie...off on the youtube it goes and make him a world hero...:D

or...

go find someone else for you...there are billions of boys out there for you...go grab one..:D

You deserve someone who loves orange (No pun intended..;))

oRange* said...

LOL. thank you for giving me so many options! i shall think about them :P

lmao! i loved the last line :D

buckingfastard said...

he dint noticed u either in da bus...or so u think??!!!

maybe he isnt over u either!!! u never kno!!

yea... movin on is da hardest thing..but its sumthin me humans specialize in...so trust urself!!

oRange* said...

@buckingfastard: right..

Hopeless Romantic said...

go and read the post....kuch lamhe chura lo na on my blog...i hope you would feel better...and if not...drop me a mail...i wld make sure u do feel well !

Amit

oRange* said...

awh! ill do that right now!

The Crystal Heart said...

Hey Orange Please Liseen 2 Song In Youtube...

1.November Rain - Guns And Roses

2.Donot Cry - Guns And Roses

Both Are Fabulous Track.....Its Change Ur Mood....Trust Me...

Anonymous said...

Respected Orange Madam Ji

There Are Three Phases In Each One’s Life:

One: When you run after life.

Two: When you run for life.

Three: When you run from life.


Whatever you run from, will always run after you.

Face people, thoughts, feelings, problems that make you feel uncomfortable. Face them rather than running from them.

The best way to deal with uncomfortable issues is to face them.If you don't do that you will give birth to ghosts, ghosts who will haunt you until you face them.


Exonerate your fears by staring right into their eyes!


Each person’s life is an adventure. It is hard to classify any phase as only good or only bad.
But, no matter in which phase of life you are, live it all. Drink each drop, taste it, feel the flow and stay fluid!

Put on your life jackets and dive into the sea of adventures, Challenges, dangers, fears and riddles and action are after all different words for adventure!

Stay adventurous,

oRange* said...

@The Crystal Heart: thanks! im fine now btw :)

@Anonymous: thank you anonymous ji! that made a lot of sense! and yes, life is one big adventure! i totally agree :)

muthu said...

hmhm....

yeah, it happens to me (but in a more subtle way)

when I am near her... But coz I was compelled to spend a lot of time around her after he went our ways on a sore note... i think I have got over her...

But I know her presence too much to just liuke that forget her completely...

yeah, People can say that you need to go new places, Like s too big and too wonderful to fret over whats done ...

& I too have said the same to a lot of people .....

But you just cant drive the feeling...

Sigh....


Certain things will never change I suppose.. :X

oRange* said...

yeah u cant get rid of that feeling totally ..coz ull always have some teeny weeny special thing for ur ex ..
so yeah ..
but u can choose to be happy with the way things are :)

Shanu said...

I kno how u feel and it sucks to kno tht sum1 who doesnt care abt u has so much power over u! It takes time for a broken heart to heal..mine hasnt healed yet and its nearly 8 mnths now...it still skips a beat wen i see him and still makes me uncomfy to share space wit him..but then who said heartbrks were easy?

I guess we just need time and sum1 cuter and better :)

Dhanya said...

I think it's very natural to feel such things about a guy you were once close with. Seeing him just brought back a lot of good and bad memories for you, which obviously overwhelmed you. After few days, it must have got better, no? :)

oRange* said...

@Shanu: yeah, someone cuter and better ..and someone we truly deserve :)

@Dhanya: more of bad memories ..yeah! hmm, i was totally fine by the next day!

ani_aset said...

>:D< time to move on (eeesh not Dhoni style ;))...as you mature you will learn how to deal with it. Even i was wondering what i will do if in such kind of a situation..thankfully it hasnt happened as yet. But i'm sure to give a royal IGNORE..gives me a big high..try that next time

oRange* said...

ya. indifference works

All of us are stars and deserve the right to twinkle ♥