WARNING: A lengthy post ahead. Not funny.
Lovely weather. Got up early for a change. Finished everything on time.. smoothly. Reached the bus stop. Got a good seat. I was on my way to meet a friend. Travelling by the BRTS bus is always a pleasure..
Very happy with the way the day started, I plugged in my iPod and looked out of the bus window. Just then, I received a message and while I was replying, I looked up and *THUD* ..I saw him. I didn’t believe what I saw ..rather I didn’t WANT to believe what I saw. Am I hallucinating? Or is he really in the same bus as mine! Oh fuck. He is and I want to jump out!! Dammit.
There he was in that blue t-shirt of his, my ‘darling' ex. His hairstyle had changed. He was looking so different. So wicked (or was it just me?!). I saw him after a full gap of 6 months. I quickly looked away. I don’t even know if he saw me, for all I care! I saw him and I hated it. The bus started. I did want to turn behind and see where he was but I didn’t. I’ve done too many silly things as far as he is concerned...so yeah.
The music was playing in my ears but I didn’t get a WORD. My thoughts went places. I suddenly felt very ‘small’. There was a time when I increased the volume to the fullest possible just so that my thoughts get obstructed but it was no use. I kept getting that horrible feeling. Sharing the same space with him became so difficult. I just wanted to dig myself way below the ground. Like way below. I hate being reminded of his existence. Suddenly, I started coughing frantically. It just wouldn’t stop. Oh, bloody hell! Not now! And then the funniest thing happened.. I had tears rolling down my cheeks. Is it because of the coughing or Am I actually crying? Oh shit! To make matters worse, the aunty beside me just HAD to stare! Leave me alone!
I love the way my life is right now but even the look of him is enough to spoil my day. Yes, we ended on a very ugly note. After grade 12, I wanted to to leave Bombay. One of the major reasons was so that I don’t see him anymore. Sadly, that didn’t happen. I’m here and so is he.
I’m still trying to figure out why I feel this way whenever he’s around. Why can’t I look at him in the eye! Why do I avoid him! Why do I still give a shit to his presence! I never loved him. I was just plain used to him. Some weird kind of attachment for no reason..Which I don’t think ill ever have with anyone else.
I feel, the way our relationship ended was very incomplete. I have a lot left to say but he doesn’t care anymore. He doesn’t give a rat’s ass. He has moved on very well. Even I have but such small instances disturb me. I suck.
I know I’m giving him the power to hurt me. But trust me, I can’t help it. The feeling’s still there and I guess ill just wait for it to disappear. As usual..
He’s still special. And god, he looked so cute.
P.S: Whenever I think a lot about him, he just appears. It happened this time too. Weird.